Secret Agent Sam

Sam got Walkie Talkies for his birthday from my Mom and Dad. Within 10 minutes of opening them I was in the back of his closet, "wounded" trying to hide from rogue agents out to kill me. We played this for about an hour, and then when I started making lunch, Sam started telling me everything he was doing into his walkie talkie. This is how it went:

Sam. Mommy, are you still there? Over.

Me: Honey, I told you I'm making lunch, I can't talk on it right now, but keep telling me what you are doing, it's very important, over

Sam. Okay, over

Beeep: I am in the bathroom, I just kicked the cat and he ran away, over.

Beeep: Okay Mom, I'm going upstairs, it's really dirty, you should clean it here it's gross. Over.

Beep: Where is my optimus prime mom, over.

Beep: It's on my dresser, over.

beep: Okay, found it, over.


5 minutes later....


Beep: Okay, going through your box of jewelry that you told me not to, over.

beep: Sam, get out of there.

beep: Sorry, official spy business. Please don't come in your room, over.

beep. Get out now.

beep: ummmm, I think I broke your lamp, please don't be mad, over.

Beep: Get down here and eat your lunch please.

beep: you forgot to say over. I love you, over.

Beep: over

Sam: I'm standing next to you, you don't have to say that.

"Middle of nowhere" continued...

(As we drove home on the long bleak and snowy highway tonight, after his birthday dinner)

Sam: Mom, are you awake?

Me: Umm, yes baby, I'm driving...I have to be awake.

Sam: Oh right. Well, I want you to know I changed my mind.

Me: About what?

Sam: About you taking me to the middle of nowhere.

Me: how do you remember that, it was almost two weeks ago?

Sam: I think about everything a billion times.

Me: Obviously. Okay, so why did you change your mind?

Sam: Because I think we are in the middle of nowhere, and it looks really crappy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOONIE BOO UBER SCOOB BUGLET JONES!!!!

(Yes that is your nickname, get over it.)

Today you turn 5 years old. I had to check your birth certificate to make sure it was true. I knew it would be strange to think that you could be this old already, but strange doesn't even begin to explain it. More than anything, I feel gratitude. You and I have been through a lot together, and though you are very small, you've been a great companion. So I want to thank you.

Thank you for forcing me to grow up
Thank you for challenging me
Thank you for making me laugh harder and cry harder than I ever thought possible.
Thank you for taking the attention away from myself
Thank you for showing me a level of patience I didn't know I had
Thank you for showing me that a clean house isn't more important than a war with your transformers.
Thank you for letting me know that no matter what I accomplish for the rest of my life, you are the greatest thing I have ever done.
Thank you for knowing the perfect time to hug me
Thank you for showing me a little poop never hurt anyone


I am so grateful for the struggle, from your birth to your daily destruction. Being able to be home with you everyday, and watching you grow and learn and become this amazing person is the greatest gift I have ever received. You truly are my best friend, and I can't wait to spend the next 5 having more adventures with you.


Love you Buglet

"Mom, Can I step on this cat toy?"

Me: (not looking at cat toy, trying to pack the car) Sure

Sam: I like to step on this cat toy cause it's squishy.

Me: Squishy? What kind of cat toy is it? Why is it outside?

Sam: Why does this cat toy have sponges and blood on the inside of it.

Me:( Sam walks around the car, HOLDING a furry ball of guts) Because that's not a cat toy, it's a dead squirrel. Please put it down. ( I realize that I cannot convey the amount of hysterics that my voice was expressing at this moment, but try to imagine)

Sam. But I love to step on dead animals

Me: Honey, that is really disgusting. Why would you like to do that?

Sam. Because they sound fun when I squish them. I hate stepping on dead humans though, their blood is gross.

Me: (At a loss for words is a good way to express how I felt right about now)

okay that's nice honey..let's go wash your hands...

SUGAR

See that panther and lion? See what they are playing in on my stairs? No my friends..it's not snow....it's sugar. An entire bag of sugar on my dining room stairs. Fucking A.

"Mom, I want to go away from you forever"

Me: Why is that

Sam: Because you put me in a time out.

Me: Where do you want to go then?

Sam: The middle of nowhere.

Me: You are going to be pretty lonely, do you want to bring one of the cats?

Sam: Pets aren't allowed in the middle of nowhere.

Me: Wow, that sucks. So do you want me to take you there right now?

Sam. No, I want to have my birthday party first, then I want you to take me.

Me: So First your party, then to the middle of nowhere. Got it.

Sam. Actually (his new favorite word) I want you to take my to Grandpas.

Me: So not the middle of nowhere?

Sam: No, I changed my mind.

Me: Why?

Sam: Because the middle of nowhere doesn't have ice cream.

Sam, why does it smell weird down here...

Sam: Because I sprayed your stuff.

Me: What stuff

Sam: Your perfume.

Me: Awesome, that is a 75 dollar bottle of perfume. What did you spray it on?

Sam: The cats

Me: What!? Why would you do that, that can make them very sick.

Sam: Because they smelled like cats.

Me: Well, I Hope you know that cats are very sensitive, and they might die now.

Sam: Well, you said God protects everyone I love, and I love the cats so if they die, it means you lied.

Me: Crap