5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Do not trust this person.

A favorite past time of my son, is to say or do something extremely sweet, and then for comedic relief immediately do something violent or disgusting. It's almost as if my adoration for him makes him uncomfortable. Would you like an example? Here, let me share my morning with you...

7 am: I wake up with a 45 pound 4 year old sitting on my chest staring at me.

Me: Good morning baby, how are you today?

Sam: My lips aren't chapped anymore, and do you want to know why that is good?

Me: Of course

Sam: Because I need my lips to be able to smile, smiling reminds me of how much I love you.

7:05 AM. I stare in amazement, unable to speak because of the beautiful thing my son just said.

7:06. Sam starts to reach around in to his butt. Normally I would immediately sense danger, but because he just said something so profound I let it slide.

7:07 Sam pulls his hand out, with this creepy satisfied look on his face, says absolutely nothing and proceeds to smear shit on my arm.

7:08 Sam laughs, runs away while screaming "Turd arm, turd arm" as loud as he can. Honestly, I didn't even fight back. This must be his plan. He stuns me with kindness, and then wipes shit on me...literally.

*For those of you who are new to Sam stories, half of the time they involve poop. Poop has been a big part of my life for the past 4 years. So, hope you have strong stomachs...

On a side note, do you know what it is like to cook breakfast for a person who just shit on you? If he thinks I am making bacon he is out of his GD mind.

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