5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Mom, please try some brown sugar

Me: Honey, I know what brown sugar tastes like.

Sam: Please, you don't understand. It tastes better than anything.

Me. Baby, I know..but sugar makes you fat.

Sam. Mom, you're already fat. Just eat it.

Friday, August 20, 2010

No..no.no no no no no no no no

Sam: Mom! Come downstairs! I made myself beautiful!

Me: Okay baby, be down in a second. (pause) Wait, what did you use to make yourself beautiful?

Sam: Nail Polish

(.4 seconds later I am in the basement frantically looking for the damage)

Sam: Look mom, pretty!

(I see that he has taken the word "finger" literally, and painted his finger up to the first joint with bright pink nail polish.)

Me: That is very pretty honey, but very bad for you, and it makes a huge mess. Let's go get in the bathtub.

Sam: Is it bad for dogs and carpet too?


(The dog is fine by the way. Carpet? Not so much.)

"Dear God, please kill all the aliens in the world so I don't have to kill them to protect my mom"

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

By the way, your son's penis will blow up.

So Sam and I spent the entire day in the pool yesterday. Lounging and drinking..twas a glorious time. Oh wait no, it was more like, him throwing shit at me and splashing my face until I swallowed enough water to be legally considered a manatee.

When Sam got out of the pool, he kept saying his swim trunks were hurting his wiener. I figured it was the liner or something. For the next hour he kept whining and grabbing at it, so while in the car, I pulled over and let him go commando. When I got home I got a better look at it and saw that the tip was extremely swollen, it looked like a balloon to be exact.

Now, Sam is "intact" which means I chose to not hack off his foreskin the day he was born. I'm not giving any crap to moms who chose to do it, the only reason I did was I was shown a video of a circumcision being done a week before my birth..needless to say, I chose not to do it.
Although I am glad I made this decision, there are still things I need to be careful about..like infections. I figured it was infected. I put some of my homeopathic antibacterial stuff on it, and kept checking every hour. It got worse.

I would put a picture up but knowing my luck, this would probably become the #1 deformed penis child porn site on the web.

He said it didn't hurt, he said it was fine but after another look, I saw my son's penis looked like a hot air balloon or a Jellyfish bloated on the beach..so we headed to the ER.


Ever hear of this? Yeah, me neither. Apparently it's when intact boy's penises, start to separate from the foreskin. It causes "Ballooning"

So...why the FUCK did no one ever tell me about this? Oh by the way your son's penis will blow up 8 times it's regular size, but don't sweat it..it's just trapped piss.
Awesome. Glad I was worried about my son's future sex life all day.

2 things I learned that day.

1. You cannot explain to a child why it's important to have a penis when you are older. It's very awkward, and they know that peeing is not the only reason.

2. My son wants a tiny penis. When the nurse told him it just meant it was growing, he started sobbing hysterically. " I want my old wiener, I don't want a big gross penis, I love my penis how god made it." How do you convince a little person that it's good for his wiener to grow? Can't really be honest can I?

So, the main reason I'm posting this is for other mothers who have this happen. Don't freak out, it's just trapped piss.

Holy shit I am tired.