5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I've been making decisions

Me: Oh yeah, what kind?

Sam: Big ones

Me: Like what?

Sam: No more Parmesan cheese, Parmesan cheese hurts my feelings. Also, I'm pretty sure I'm going to start picking my nose again.

Me: Why does it hurt your feelings?

Sam: It's too salty, it dries my heart out.

Me: Okay, why do you want to pick your nose again?

Sam: Because you do.

Me: Good point

"I want to rip a big fart that is so big it puts a crack in the world" -Sam

Holy motherhood batman

I've been away...well not really. I've been right here, I have chunks of dog hair on the floor because my germanlabradorhusky completely rids himself of hair twice a year. It's gross. I digress...it's been a fun filled few weeks. Lots of messes, lots of grilling out and of course..Samisms. I have a few good ones I'm about to post now and maybe if I can figure it out, a video! I am advancing!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers Day

Sam: Happy Mudders Day Mommy

Me: Thanks baby

Sam: Daddy told me to say that

Me: That's okay, I know you mean it.

Sam: What does it mean?

Me: Today is a day that you show your mom how much you love her. It's called Mothers Day.

Sam: Do I have to come out of your rib cage again?

Me: You came out of my tummy, and no...you do not have to be born again.

Sam: I have to poop

Me: Okay

Sam: I need you to wipe my butt

Me: Okay

Sam: Can you wipe my butt on Mudders day?

Me: Especially on Mudders day

Why is there so much cars?

Me: Because there is a rummage sale next door

Sam: Well they need to get out of our way.

Me: I know, but there is nothing we can do.

Sam: I know what we can do

Me: What is that

Sam: We can murder everyone there, then burn the rummage sale down, and then drive through it and laugh.

Me: (I honestly paused for a full minute with my mouth open) Baby, I don't like when you say stuff like that, we should never hurt anyone to get what we want.

Sam: I know, I have mental problems.

Am I doing something wrong? Is this normal?

Yesterday he whipped a quarter across the living room, leaned back into his recliner with his arms folded with a smirk on his face and said "Let's watch that old gravity work" It's like my son is possessed with an 80 year old sociopath.

He never does anything hurtful or violent, but he says pretty crazy things for a 5 year old. I know one thing for sure, he is either going to grow up to be wildly creative and invent the first candy rollercoaster or eventually mass murder a village.