5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Friday, August 20, 2010

No..no.no no no no no no no no

Sam: Mom! Come downstairs! I made myself beautiful!

Me: Okay baby, be down in a second. (pause) Wait, what did you use to make yourself beautiful?

Sam: Nail Polish

(.4 seconds later I am in the basement frantically looking for the damage)

Sam: Look mom, pretty!

(I see that he has taken the word "finger" literally, and painted his finger up to the first joint with bright pink nail polish.)

Me: That is very pretty honey, but very bad for you, and it makes a huge mess. Let's go get in the bathtub.

Sam: Is it bad for dogs and carpet too?


(The dog is fine by the way. Carpet? Not so much.)

"Dear God, please kill all the aliens in the world so I don't have to kill them to protect my mom"