5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Everything bad happens at Wal-Mart

Sam: I don't want to be here, I hate it here.

Me: So do I honey, I just have to pick up some pictures.

Sam (when we get to the counter) I don't want to be here, there are too many brown people here.

(a level of anxiety rises in me that I had never experienced before. There was also a large group of African Americans standing right next to us. Hysterically panicked doesn't begin to explain it. )

Me: (whispering) Sam, do not talk like that, I'm serious.

Sam: I'm the one that is serious! There are brown people everywhere and that is gross.

(The angry arm grab is in full effect, and I'm whispering as angrily as I can)

Me: Oh my lord Samuel, that is so horrible, stop saying that,why would you say that?

Sam: You know how they get like that? Because they eat turds, the turds go into the skin and they turn brown so they stink. Brown people stink.

(The African American lady at the counter, has now caught on to the conversation, so I pretend I have to pee)

Me: (in the bathroom) Sam, people are different colors because of a pigment in their skin called Melanin, it makes some people white and some people brown and some people black. It is not because they eat poop.

Sam Really? Promise?

Me: Yes, I promise..they are exactly like you and me.

Sam: Okay good, Because there is a kid at the park that is really nice, and I was mean to him because I thought he was covered in turds. We can be friends now.

Me: That's great honey...

(I never got my prints by the way, I just re-sent them to Walgreens. So now Wal-mart has the pictures of a supposed mother of a racist 5 year old)

"What is a Quiche? Sounds digusting...I'd rather eat a turd"=Sam

"Enough with the kissing already. When you kiss me, I want to barf."-Sam