5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Friday, January 15, 2010

"Watch how I wipe my turd butt"

Sam was potty trained fairly easily. Basically, I waited until he seemed interested, put him on the can and he's been going in there ever since. The only issue is that he cannot, well I will not, let him wipe his own butt when he goes #2. The reason being:

Huge toilet bowl+Short arms+poopy butt =Poopy Hands.

Sometimes he poops without telling me (aka screaming: "I am going turd" at the top of his lungs). When he does this, it's a whole "to do". I have to inspect his naked butt for poop smear, check his hands for brown and pray to god he didn't put a turd hand print on the wall.

So last night, I hear him get out of bed, come downstairs, run back upstairs, jump around on the floor, run back downstairs and then flush the toilet. After this he comes tearing into my office screaming "Mommy, watch how I wipe my turd butt" After a good 30 second groan of shit cleaning anticipation I tell him to show me his butt so I can see the number he pulled on his cheeks. To my surprise it was clean as a whistle.

My thoughts immediately went to where in the house his turds were. Smeared on the mirror, on the bathroom floor, the sky is the limit with my boy....

He takes me into the bathroom, which is also clean and proceeds to explain to me his new method of butt-wiping, which is as follows and written exactly how he said it:

Step One. Go turd and squirt in the toilet

Step Two. Roll up a ball of toilet paper, an jump off the toilet

Step Three. Get toilet paper real wet with water from the toothbrush sink

Step Four. Put ball of toilet paper way in my butt

Step Five. (he proceeds to take my hand and waddle up the stairs) You go upstairs and squeeze your butt together really tight .

Step 6 (he takes me back downstairs) now you go back downstairs and that is when the most poop gets off you.

Step 7.You throw the poop ball in the toilet, and your butt is good as new!

a bit of overkill? Yes..but my son has figured out a way to wipe his butt without me having to get poop underneath my fingernails when he squirms, and that my friends is fine...just fine indeed


  1. This is so hilarious! Can't wait to hear more stories!

  2. I laughed so hard, I literally had tears. Too funny!

  3. That made me laugh as hard as the story of Sam and dog poop. You should blog about that one too.