It's almost 1'oclock in the morning and I am packing your lunch for your first day of school. I am also sobbing like an idiot. Who cries when making Cinnamon apple slices? Your mom. Why am I making your lunch at 1 am, instead of being in bed and getting a full nights sleep like a normal person? I am your mom. And in 10 years, unless I have had some massive turn around, I am most likely still going to be making your lunches at 1 am. I have never been organized at doing anything. Which is why I think this is so hard for me.
I am not prepared for this.
You on the other hand, are.
I did exactly what I set out to do. Raise an independent, intelligent, and caring young man, who was passionate about learning and the world around him.
The only thing I forgot to do, was think about myself.
For 5 and a half years, you have been my only job. Get up, feed you, cloth you, play with you, make sure you were safe. You have been my one and only focus since the moment you were born, if not before that. And tomorrow...you are going to start your journey without me. I know you are coming home at 3, and I realize you are still very young, but it's a beginning. I want to feel happy, and I want to be elated..but honestly, I just don't know what I'm going to do without you around.
You are my little best friend. I don't understand parents who long for the days of school, when their children are gone and aren't around to interrupt their daily activities.
You growing up, completely terrifies me. What am I to do now? I never realized how much of myself I sacrificed until tonight. I don't even know what I want anymore. I know I should be glad that I can go shopping without dragging you through the store having a hysterics fit over a ninja turtle, I know I should be happy that if I am exhausted, I can just take a nap without having to also convince you that you are tired and to lay down with me, I can take calls without you screaming in the background, I can have a drink without you drinking out of it and getting chunks of food in it, and I can go to the bathroom without you pounding on the door, but for some insane reason..I don't care about any of that. I am going to be lonely. It's going to be so quiet. I am crying again.
I'm going from being with you all day everyday, to having you be gone for 8 hours, 5 days a week. Why does that sound like a prison sentence? Why can't I just be happy for you?
Thank god you are excited about school, otherwise..I'm guessing we'd be on our way to Canada tonight.
I know you are going to an amazing school. (rockprairiemontessori.com) I know the teachers there are phenomenal. I've wanted you to go to that school, since I was pregnant with you. So why is it that all I am imagining is, you being scared and alone during lunch time with no friends? You've never eaten lunch without me to have a conversation with. Are you going to be scared? Are you going to feel rejected? What if you want to call me and no one let's you? Holy god I need to calm down.
I think the worst part in all of this, is literally no one understands why I feel this way. "Lora, you'll love it" "Lora, this will be so good for him." Yeah, I get that. I also get that my one and only purpose for living is now going to be gone all day and I have no idea what the hell to do with myself.
I'm just not ready. I'm not ready for you to be old enough to go to school. I'm not ready for you to need a lunch, or a backpack, or to have projects at school. Aren't you 2 years old? don't you need me to change your diaper? Don't you need me to sing you to sleep?
I don't know how these years have gone so fast, but they were great years. I will never regret the career I gave up, or the money, or the time I spent sacrificing my sanity..because what I got in return was worth so much more. I can always go back and try my hand at those other things that people seem to hold so dear, but I can't go back and be there for you every second of your childhood. I am very glad I made the right decision. I never missed a laugh, or a word, or a tear or a step. I can honestly say I never missed one milestone. I did my job, and I did it well. And it is truly the thing I am most proud of.
Well, I better get to bed so I don't sleep in and start you on a trend... I love you buglet Jones...I'm not sure how this transition is going to work out, or how much I will cry..I just hope the next 6 years are just as challenging and amazing at this last few.
Here is to our new adventure baby boy...