5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Piss has made a comeback.

I should have known this was coming. For a couple months now he has randomly pulled out some of his old tricks. Peeing in the bathtub, in the dog bowl, in his water bottle. I can't say that I blame him, If I had a hose that stuck out of my body, I'd probably see what creative ways I could come up with to empty my bladder as well. Unfortunately for me, his fun is my biohazard. The bad stuff started a week ago and so far there have been three major incidents.

Incident 1. Incident 1 was more of a conversation, because I didn't see anything. This is how it went.

Sam: Are the dishes done?

Me: Yes, why?

Sam: Do they smell like pee?

Me: Why would they smell like pee?

Sam: Because I just wizzed in the dishwasher.

Me: Before or after they were done?

Sam: After. I wanted them to smell good! Like my weiner juice.

(Check dishwasher, could see obvious signs of yellow liquid)

This was followed by the following: Grumbling, A toy being put in the "gone for 6 months" bin, and the dishwasher being restarted with a crap ton of detergent.

Incident 2. I have cats and dogs, and I like my house to not smell like them. As cool as being the "lady who's house smells like cats" is, I'd rather not. So, once a week I make a homemade mixture of baking soda and essential oils and spread it over the carpet before I vaacum. So, about 3 days ago..I got out my huge bucket of the stuff and started shaking it around as usual. I noticed it was really clumped up this time, but I had added a lot of lemon oil so I figured that was the reason. WRONG. Immidiately after finishing the living room I hear Sam hysterically laughing. "Mom, you're putting my wizz all over everything" apparantly he thought it would be funny to take a leak into the bucket right before I spread it all over my entire house. FUCK

Incident 3. This is my favorite. I was standing at the stove, making dinner when I felt something start dripping on my foot. I looked around at the cieling and the stove figuring it was something leaking. I saw a stream of yellow liquid hitting my foot at an angle...I followed it up and it was coming from my son's tiny weiner. My son had a look on his face like I've never seen, it was extremely confident, and very prideful.

Me: Sam! What are you doing!?!?
Sam: I'm peeing on your foot
Me: Yeah, I can see that. That is disgusting Samuel, this has to stop. I know you think it's funny but it isin't This is seriousuly the most disgusting thing anyone has ever done to me.
(This is where I get worried that my son is posessed)
Sam: You mean so far.
Me: what? What does that mean?
Sam: It's the most disgusting thing anyone has done to you SO FAR.
I'm scared.

He has also peed on the dog, peed into a bottle cap and let it overflow all over the livingroom and peed into an ice cube tray trying to make piss popcicles. But these three were the ones that made me the most insane. I really have no plan, I'm just venting. And if you are wondering why I haven't blogged in so long, it's because I'm trying to clean a 5 year olds body weight in piss off everything in my home.

Whatever, it's better than poop right? RIGHT? Argh...


  1. I want to turn Jack into a girl.

  2. Oh. My. Goodness. Lora, how I've missed these posts while I was away. And I miss you too. Poo. xo

  3. Found your blog on I am chasing thirty...your posts are hysterical. I had to read them out loud to my husband. LOL