5 and a half years ago, my life consisted of sleeping,burritos and dropping entire paychecks on the Victoria's Secret semi annual sale. I was pretty sure I knew what motherhood would be like. I was wrong. I had visions of sanity,a clean home, and cats that weren't locked in the closet after being soaked with a 4 year old boys urine. Yes, I thought motherhood was one beautiful lucid moment to the next

...and then came Sam.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

By the way, your son's penis will blow up.

So Sam and I spent the entire day in the pool yesterday. Lounging and drinking..twas a glorious time. Oh wait no, it was more like, him throwing shit at me and splashing my face until I swallowed enough water to be legally considered a manatee.

When Sam got out of the pool, he kept saying his swim trunks were hurting his wiener. I figured it was the liner or something. For the next hour he kept whining and grabbing at it, so while in the car, I pulled over and let him go commando. When I got home I got a better look at it and saw that the tip was extremely swollen, it looked like a balloon to be exact.

Now, Sam is "intact" which means I chose to not hack off his foreskin the day he was born. I'm not giving any crap to moms who chose to do it, the only reason I did was I was shown a video of a circumcision being done a week before my birth..needless to say, I chose not to do it.
Although I am glad I made this decision, there are still things I need to be careful about..like infections. I figured it was infected. I put some of my homeopathic antibacterial stuff on it, and kept checking every hour. It got worse.

I would put a picture up but knowing my luck, this would probably become the #1 deformed penis child porn site on the web.

He said it didn't hurt, he said it was fine but after another look, I saw my son's penis looked like a hot air balloon or a Jellyfish bloated on the beach..so we headed to the ER.


Ever hear of this? Yeah, me neither. Apparently it's when intact boy's penises, start to separate from the foreskin. It causes "Ballooning"

So...why the FUCK did no one ever tell me about this? Oh by the way your son's penis will blow up 8 times it's regular size, but don't sweat it..it's just trapped piss.
Awesome. Glad I was worried about my son's future sex life all day.

2 things I learned that day.

1. You cannot explain to a child why it's important to have a penis when you are older. It's very awkward, and they know that peeing is not the only reason.

2. My son wants a tiny penis. When the nurse told him it just meant it was growing, he started sobbing hysterically. " I want my old wiener, I don't want a big gross penis, I love my penis how god made it." How do you convince a little person that it's good for his wiener to grow? Can't really be honest can I?

So, the main reason I'm posting this is for other mothers who have this happen. Don't freak out, it's just trapped piss.

Holy shit I am tired.


  1. Funny, my son has a cut on his penis right now. I don't mean the cut is funny. It's not funny. It's just funny that we're both dealing with penis issues. Wait, is that funny?

  2. I am sorry to hear about both said mishaps, however, very funny.