"Mom, Can I step on this cat toy?"

Me: (not looking at cat toy, trying to pack the car) Sure

Sam: I like to step on this cat toy cause it's squishy.

Me: Squishy? What kind of cat toy is it? Why is it outside?

Sam: Why does this cat toy have sponges and blood on the inside of it.

Me:( Sam walks around the car, HOLDING a furry ball of guts) Because that's not a cat toy, it's a dead squirrel. Please put it down. ( I realize that I cannot convey the amount of hysterics that my voice was expressing at this moment, but try to imagine)

Sam. But I love to step on dead animals

Me: Honey, that is really disgusting. Why would you like to do that?

Sam. Because they sound fun when I squish them. I hate stepping on dead humans though, their blood is gross.

Me: (At a loss for words is a good way to express how I felt right about now)

okay that's nice honey..let's go wash your hands...

SUGAR

See that panther and lion? See what they are playing in on my stairs? No my friends..it's not snow....it's sugar. An entire bag of sugar on my dining room stairs. Fucking A.

"Mom, I want to go away from you forever"

Me: Why is that

Sam: Because you put me in a time out.

Me: Where do you want to go then?

Sam: The middle of nowhere.

Me: You are going to be pretty lonely, do you want to bring one of the cats?

Sam: Pets aren't allowed in the middle of nowhere.

Me: Wow, that sucks. So do you want me to take you there right now?

Sam. No, I want to have my birthday party first, then I want you to take me.

Me: So First your party, then to the middle of nowhere. Got it.

Sam. Actually (his new favorite word) I want you to take my to Grandpas.

Me: So not the middle of nowhere?

Sam: No, I changed my mind.

Me: Why?

Sam: Because the middle of nowhere doesn't have ice cream.

Sam, why does it smell weird down here...

Sam: Because I sprayed your stuff.

Me: What stuff

Sam: Your perfume.

Me: Awesome, that is a 75 dollar bottle of perfume. What did you spray it on?

Sam: The cats

Me: What!? Why would you do that, that can make them very sick.

Sam: Because they smelled like cats.

Me: Well, I Hope you know that cats are very sensitive, and they might die now.

Sam: Well, you said God protects everyone I love, and I love the cats so if they die, it means you lied.

Me: Crap

Where the F!@# is my hair tie!?

In motherhood I have found that it is truly the little things. Not that make you happy, but that keep you from completely having a nervous breakdown. One of these things is a hair tie.
For some reason, all of my horrible moments in motherhood always feature me, sweating with my hair falling and sticking to my face because I cannot find a hair tie. Shitty things always piggy back on top of each other to make an annoying moment 100 times worse than it has to be. For example, here is the list of things that separately are not that bad, but when they all occurred at the same time one hot day in July at a gas station..became one of the worst days of my life.

1. 95 Degrees with 120 thousand percent humidity
2. Very cranky baby in baby carrier than he outgrew 50 pounds ago
3. sticky lip gloss
5. Pants that are too loose and constantly falling down
6. Random intense back pain (probably from carrying ridiculously heavy car seat)
7. Broken air conditioner
8. Tons of people
9. Really windy
10. NO HAIR TIE

FUCK

All of that put together with a hair tie would have maybe been do-able. But I was SANS HAIR TIE and it was horrific. I called my sister hysterically crying like I had just survived some sort of vicious attack. Robbers? No, no my lip gloss kept sticking to my face..it was horrible...

Changing a diaper, doing the dishes, bringing in groceries, vacuuming, putting wet laundry in the dryer...all of these things are plain ordinary occurrences in the home, but can absolutely ruin your day when done without a hair tie...any hair tie.

On a side note, is it just me or does every girl keep one really ugly, stretched out hair tie that is reminiscent of something you would wear to a roller rink in 4th grade as a back up? I always want to throw this giant red fringy thing in my bathroom away, but it never fails, once a year I'm having a hot face attack with no hair ties around and that ugly ass thing saves me.

So, take my advice and every time you are at Target, by that huge long sleeve thing of hair ties. Because I'd rather be swimming in hair ties, then be "Captain hair stuck to face" at a Chuck E. Cheese birthday party.

Look what I found...

Sam: Awww mommy, I didn't know you used to work here. Oh the memories, the great memories you have here.

Me: (obviously laughing) how do you know what that is?

Sam: it's a name tag from a store.

Me: Yes, it is. Do know what it says?

Sam: No

Me: Good.

Sam: did you work there when you were a baby?

Me: Not exactly, but I was a lot younger. A LOT YOUNGER.

Sam: If I work there, can my name tag say turd Sam?

Me: Sure

Sam: Does your heart hurt because you can't work there?

Me: Ahhhhh no, now let's put that back in Mommy's shame bin.

The bridge to nowhere

2 months. For 2 months Sam has been doing this. When he goes #2, he wipes his butt with one end, then rolls he toilet paper out across the bathroom into the bathtub. He told me it was so his turds could escape. I'm not buying it..